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I'm just your problem

Sorry I don’t treat you like a goddess,
Is that what you want me to do?
Sorry I don’t treat you like you’re perfect,
Like all your little loyal subjects do,
Sorry I’m not made of sugar,
Am I not sweet enough for you?
Is that why you always avoid me?
That must be such an inconvenience to you,
Well... I’m just your problem,
I’m just your problem,
It's like I'm not, even a person, am I?
I’m just your problem
Well, I shouldn’t have to justify what I do
I shouldn’t have to prove anything to you
I’m sorry that I exist,
I didn't plan to be on your blacklist.
But I shouldn’t have to be the one that makes up with you,
So... why do I want to?
Why do I want to...
To... bury you in the ground,
And drink the blood from your...

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How blogging has changed my life

Today I did a presentation the different sort of blogs and the importance of building a community with them. I also explained how I got started blogging.

Forever ago, when the internet was still fresh and young, I wasn't really encouraged to explore my artistic or tech savvy side, so as a result I spent a lot of time locked away in my room kind of poking around computers, networks, games, etc. It was more like clicking and exploring through things to see how they worked, since no one was willing to sit down and teach me.

Over the years, I created several websites and I actually started a "news feed" on one, which was essentially my "blog" before people started calling it that. I used to keep a hand written diary every so many years, and I migrated it over to Angelfire. I don't know why I stopped using that website, but eventually that project just fizzled out. For many years, I was silent. I came to live journal to learn about fursuit building, but I didn't know that what I was really looking for was a community.

I explained to the class that when I started blogging, I would write about sad but often hilarious things that happened to me throughout the day. Someone was interested in how that was received. I explained to her that this was how I got the first fan of my writing, and still my favorite and very best fan. (You know who you are! I told Tad Williams about you!) But you know, as I sit down today, I realize that it didn't stop there.

Blogging is also what lead me to my dearest partner in crime (you know who you are, too! No, you're not the same person, lol). Blogging plugged me into a group of people who were hungry for the sort of visual and written work I produced. Blogging is how I drew enough knowledge and support from the writing community to perfect my portfolio for grad school. Blogging has kept my mind and really my life together whereas before it would split apart at the seams.

And oddly enough, I seem to use the skills I gained from eking out this niche on my own more than most of the skills I ever learned in school or on the job. Now, I seem to be sort of the go to person within my writing community concerning all things web!

It's so crazy how you can start something with no expectations at all, and then down the line it blossoms into something no one could have ever imagined.
It's amazing how the minutes always seem longer when you have a bad internet connection.

You go to hit post to an entry, and you get a failed page. You don't know whether or not it actually posted, so you hit post again.

The internet here is very crappy, and I'm too stubborn to go to a cafe or all the way to school to try to get a good signal. I doubt the internet in either of these places would be any better.

But the problem is compounded by the fact that live journal hasn't been a very reliable platform lately. With all of the changes they made (that aren't in the favor of long time users) and the weird attacks, "anti-spam," and random errors or down time, I'm seriously reconsidering using it at all.

I want to start blogging again, but I think live journal is not the place to do it. I was just going to keep this up as my personal diary, but unless I solve this problem, that is practically useless. I'm going to look into posting by client or by email. But lj, this is the last straw.

Hmmph, I can't even change my userpic or access my tags because of this connection. Just know that I am making an unhappy not-thumbs up face >:[

Once again, what the fuck live journal?!

I went to post something really private for myself. And then when I changed the security setting, it was like, "Oh okay. Plus your local friends, right?" And I'm like, "What? NO!" So I go back and edit it again, and then it posts it and goes, "I got it this time. For your family, right?"

Ugh, I'm glad I didn't actually add anybody to those lj-prescribed groups D:

Using someone else's computer

Is a lot like trying to get clean in someone else's shower.

Mini post

Tried to go to NYC for NYE. Didn't make it to Times Square. Boo hiss. Ask me how, it's a fun story, but ask me in person ;p

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Here comes the Litquake! :D

The magical time of year when San Francisco swarms with writers and readings. I'll be volunteering for some of it (Litcrawl Army Phase II! :D) And I'll most likely be attending as many events as possible. Check out the entire run down here: litquake.org/calendar-of-events

And just a heads up, the Litcrawl events (Oct 13) are free! :O

It's not too late to get involved, sign up to volunteer here: litquake.org/get-involved/volunteer

Also, I'll be tabling at the Alternative Press Expo at my grad school's table. They just launched an MFA in Comics program.

APE info: http://www.comic-con.org/ape/

See you there :3
I probably suck at poetry because I have no emotions, lol :D
Now that takes me back to my college years...

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Dear World,

I am a writer. I'm an artist. And I'm broke as hell.

But I can't shake the urge to create. I'm committed to it. I have this wild idea that one day, I will be able to support myself on my creativity alone.

I know what you're thinking, "That's a nice dream, but it's harder than you think." Well of course it's hard. Nothing worth doing comes easy.

But it must be easier than you think. Because for every young person with that creative spark who was told, "Artists don't make any money," there is an adult who grew up to prove that statement wrong.

Besdies, I'm not looking for money. I'm looking for that song that only I can sing. I believe in my ability to make an impact on this world. I just don't know how to do it yet.

So in the mean time, I take criticism. I study. I email myself snippets of inspiration on the weed-stinking bus ride home. I dig myself deeper into debt.

I pick cardboard out of trash cans. And I eat rice and beans probably more than any human being should.

It's not neither glamorous nor glorious. It's simply being true to myself.

Being truly happy knowing that no one may ever know my name... But I dared to write it down.

Trust me. I'll get there someday; just wait and see.

Love,
Candace

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The Wolf Man 1941

Maleva  

The way you walk was thorny through no fault of your own, but as the rain enters the soil the river enters the sea, so tears run to a predestined end. Your suffering is over. Now you will find peace for eternity.

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Candace - the chef without a can opener

On my flight from DFW to PHX to SFO, despite leaving two hours early, I arrived at the airport with only enough time to get my sorry self through the security checkpoint and directly onto the plane.  Therefore, that bag with all of my books, liquids and kitchen gadgets (ma'am, why are you trying to board the plane with 18 knives and a cheese grater?) did not make it to San Francisco with me.  

Now, you may have heard that I am flat fucking broke.  So, I didn't want to buy the things I already knew I had.  I was waiting for them in the mail, but in the mean time, I tried to get by.  So I had jagged ass nails (because I knew I had a manicure kit) and dry hair (conditioner in transit), but I couldn't open any of my food.  Why?  No can openner!  

So when I was in the kitchen, I found two garlic presses, but no can openner.  I tried banging on it with a spoon.  Biting it.  Trying to puncture it with a knife, and for a moment got a puncture can opener that didn't do the trick.  I called my mom and tried to look up how to open cans without a can opener on the internet.  (Got a screw driver?  NO! D:)  

I tried knocking on the RA's door to ask, but she was like, "Nope *shuts door*."  Friend of mine had one, but loaned it to someone else in the hall that wasn't home.  

So I stood in the hallway, in my pajamas, harassing everyone who walked by the kitchen.  There were a lot of international kids.  So when I said, "Can opener," they repeated the words like they were a magic incantation.  They I could see the gears turning as they translated those two words into something that made sense.  Of course, no.  

Then I managed to stop someone on her cell phone who gave me a rather complex kitchen gadget.  So, I had a can opener +1.  But didn't know how to use it.  -2.  So I again, did practically everything like before with this tool (little better than a rock when you don't know how to use it...) and finally the exterminator came downstairs to wash his hands.  

I wondered why we needed pest elimination, but was too hungry to inquire.  He just happened to say, "Oh you've got one of those fancy can openers," and I was like, "Yeah, but I don't know how to use it."  And then, with dripping wet hands, he showed me how.  At last!  I could open my damn food! >:D  He said something like, "Don't worry, this isn't sweat on my hands," but I shrugged it off, more or less wondering what kind of water soluble pestiside might be dripping off.  Again, too hungry to care.  

Alas, the girl who saved my food was no where to be found when it was time to return it!  So I stayed in the kitchen... and I waited... and waited as long as I could.  I finally had to go upstairs.  And I kept it in my pocket every time I cooked, hoping to see her again because I was in the kitchen at pretty much the same time every day.  Finally, though, she hung up a sign on the wall.  "Whoever borrowed my black can opener - Please return it to room XXX.  I can't open my food!  Thnx! <3"  I thought it was a little weird that on a hand written piece of paper, someone would write "Thnx," but oh well.  It finally got home again.  

I caved in and bought a new can opener in Chinatown.  And then my other can opener arrived three days later.  And in the kitchen yesterday, I saw that someone had placed an entire BOWL full of various can openers in the cupboard.  Thanks! XD

Oh by the way, every time the super shows someone the kitchen, I'm down there cooking in my pajamas.  So I called him out on it, and I was like, "Next time just introduce me as the chef!!!"

So let's work our way backwards

So, one of the cool things about the grad program here at CCA is you're allowed to take any of the undergraduate classes that you want, provided it's not terribly outside your skillset.  I signed up for the Flash Animation Workshop, which I'm very excited about ^^;  For one, I used to dabble in animation, and I already have CS5 on my computer.  Course, I haven't really had the time to teach myself how to use anything.

Growing up, I always wanted to work on animated films, make movie monsters, you know, impactful creative endeavours.  Unfortunately, I was widely discouraged and mislead... so I didn't go to art school as an undergrad.  I studied English, because someone told me that you can't work in art.  Wow, I wish I could go back in time and tell them all the contrary.  Another cool thing about this school is that they're not just focused on your craft, but they want to make sure you hit the ground running.  Yes, life continues after graduation.

Anywho, so I managed to get to class... and I sat down in the lab full of Macs and Wacom tablets... And I was like... *slow nod* "Okay I'm here, and I'm starting to get a little panicky."  Secretly, well not so secretly now, but I always seem to think to myself, "Man I'm a writing student, and all the other grad students here already have a background in Art.  Will I even be able to keep up with these undegraduates who have already had prereqs preparing them for this class?"  Actually, the night before I even emailed the prof with the very same question.  But you know, when I sit down and write down everything I've done, sometimes I surprise myself.  I really need to stop putting myself out... Well that's part of the reason why I'm here.  Like, I've worked with qbasic, vbasic, C++, Bryce, Illustrator, Photoshop, Premier, the entire MS Office Suite (even Access! :D) and I've kept up with my art as best as I could in my spare time... so with a reassuring pat on the back from the professor that not only should I be able to keep up, but actually use some of my story telling skills in the class, I felt a little better.

Then the fear crept in.  It came and went in waves, you know?  At one point, I was like, "Oh wow!  You worked on Rocko's Modern Life and Oregon Trail?  I loved those growing up!"  And at other points I was like, "....How do I open the folder? :( *sad PC user moment*."  She promised to help me out and she has a very supportive attitude.  It was kind of funny, she said hit "command i" and I accidentally hit "control."  She was like, "PC user at home?" And I was like yeah, and she was like, "You went straight for that control key..."

And I was like "it's because I'm not wearing my glasses!  They look the same! D:"  Lol XD

After class I stumbled into an involvement fair and put my name down on a couple of mailing lists.  I even scored some free tacos :3  And chocolate, oh there was chocolate...  Speaking of chocolate, my Mom is flying into town with the last bit of my stuff in tow.  We're going to the Chocolate Festival in Ghiradeli Square.  Check it out, it's awesome :)  Ah shit, I just realized this computer doesn't have auto spell check.... or Firefox.  Oh well, I hope you understand it :)  Or maybe it does have Firefox... well... don't mind me, I'm just having another dumb PC user moment.  Trying to use a Mac after being primarily used to and extremely adept at the PC is a lot like learning a second language.  You come off as looking like an idiot because you can't figure out how to express yourself correctly.  *shakes head*

Oh well, gonna close this entry for now to rant in the next one.
CANDACE

PS - DAMN IT, WHERE IS THE SPELL CHECK BUTTON LIVE JOURNAL!?

PPS - Oh I found it.  Wow that button is useless.  Well, you get what I mean :)

Finally made it :D

So. I'm finally here in San Francisco.   Yay... it's been quite an adventure, and I'm going to try to blog about some of it today.  I've been meaning to do this for a while, but things always come up like getting stuck on the side of the mountain or casing the whole city for a bag of sugar and seltzer water >:O  But yeah. Keep your eye open, I will be updating. :3

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